“I swear I’m okay. I’m just tired. And no, not just the kind of tired where I’ve had a long day, but the kind of tired where I slept for 7 hours last night, and yet, I feel as though I haven’t had a good night’s rest in months. The kind of tired where taking a deep breath feels like carrying twice my body weight. The kind of tired where I feel as though I’ve been searching for you as if you were the last piece of buried treasure on this earth. The kind of tired that I fear no amount of sleep can ever cure.”—Connotativewords | jl | Weak and Weary (via posheedgi)
Started the gym this week. Enjoyed it so much, I feel amazing, not had this much energy and positive thinking going on for as long as I can remember! Exercise is fucking awesome. I’m starting pole fit today (Saturday) as well. And I’m going jogging with my boss on Sunday, I’ll be doing that twice a week, gym 3 times a week, pole fit once a week and I’m going to start swimming as well. I’m throwing myself into this feet first, going to build up my stamina, tone up and get some muscles then I’m going to start Muay Thai. My aim is to turn my body into a fine tuned machine, I’m 5ft 9, naturally thin (but not skinny) and I feel like I’m letting my body go to waste, I could and will turn it into a sculpted weapon.
I’ve also totally redecorated my bedroom, got twinkly lights everywhere and all my crystals and minerals next to my bed. My books and most of my DVDs are next to my bed as well. Just need to get a bigger bookcase and buy lots more books, don’t get me wrong, I love having books on my Kindle and my Mac but it’s not quite as satisfying as having them all lined up next to eachother.
I’ve not been drinking this week which I feel has made a massive difference to the way I feel, I’ve not been drinking at work, because I fucked up last week when I was pissed, and I’ve been feeling fucking amazing when I’ve been getting up. Even just one pint makes such a difference to how you feel the next day, it’s not even a hangover, it’s a lack of motivation, a lack of self belief.
Also think I’ve met someone, I doubt it will go anywhere but knowing that someone finds me sexy and wants to spend time with me has done wonders for my confidence.
I haven’t felt sexy in such a long time and currently I feel so positive and motivated, I’m going to get to a point where I am comfortable in my own skin again and I don’t remember the last time I was. I’ve taken out half of my piercings, stopped doing such outrageous makeup and I’ve decided to grow my hair, not super long, I’m just losing the shaved head look. You might read this (if you even get this far) and think that I’m just going ‘mainstream’ or trying to be something I’m not, but I disagree, I’ve been hiding behind piercings and weird hair for so many years I thought it was me, but it’s just been a mask, to stop people seeing the real me, to stop people getting close. It’s like a distraction technique, I’m tired of people only seeing the shock factor of what I look like and not seeing me for who I am.
I’m rambling on far too much now but basically, I feel incredible right now. I’m sleeping better, I’m motivated, I want to get out of bed in the mornings (well, afternoons, I do still work nights after all), I look forward to doing the cleaning jobs (did about 6 loads of washing yesterday!), and I’m excited about going outside and doing stuff! Life is looking good right now and I’m trying to seize as much of it as possible whilst I’m on this high so that when I get super depressed again everything has become so routine that I won’t just hide away under my duvet for weeks on end. I’m not being negative when I say I’m going to get depressed again, I’m being realistic and I’m being prepared, as my dad said to me the other day “it’s easy to crash again and you need to remember that, there are shitty days ahead as well as very good ones, be ready for them so you can kick their arse!”